CURRENT THOUGHTS

I'm having a hard time accepting my life anymore these days. The past several days I've been feeling sad which is nice to feel again I love sadness like a black teddy bear stitched with cold space and night and well at the same time I am not in love with life, for trying to pluck the fruit at the top of the tree of life, I have only been thrashed by all the thorns on the way up, and I really am badly damaged physically, and all my life reminds me of a series of disappointments, despite the value I find in the friendship and family I still thankfully possess, much of my life is painful to think about and full of regret.
This is why the Coronavirus pandemic is really bothering me, for a couple reasons, because it's just more weight on my back and reason to detest society for its idiocy, or accumulated collective rat-trap, which truly has been grinding me down - and now my by now inveterate morbidity has another thing to worry about, not that I am afraid of getting it myself, since I'm not - what I really worry about is harming others as a carrier. But even this I find too much, and I don't want people to suffer at all, but as for this society, this species, I can only hope that the razing of a small portion of the human race can somehow impede the destruction at its hands waged against the earth. This is a very controversial, and possibly immoral or amoral rather thing, but I am displeased (whether I have the right to or not, since I am inherently critical of any spiritual judge set over me) with much of society and would like to see it radically changed. Naturally there is nothing about a pandemic which might not just end up returning things to normal (or worse, even more normal), and really with our life-lines being shut off by the death pangs of a deeply diseased planet, I am doubtful this can still even be imagined - I may have a doomsdayer's mind, but I see nothing more than the violent and volatile paroxysms of a decadent disaster civilization, always affecting most greatly the wretched and poor majority of the earth, the first to be killed by floods, eviscerated by wars, starved by famines, and swallowed by this abyss.
A rude awakening, a rude awakening, very dismaying, very heartrending indeed, and in no ways do I wish for this. Instead, I preach revolution and peace, to sit down and be comforted by mother earth, to stop the cars from rattling all over our minds and souls, to attempt to create a new world together.
But having utopian dreams can be a heavy burden, and it's not doing me much good anymore. See, I kinda wanna die!
Oh well. Rant over. JUST GOTTA get off the old chest. FUCKING CHEST